Looking for my next jawb
(joy, awe, wonder, beauty)
The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities.
— James Allen, As a Man Thinketh
I decided to leave my job. A unique opportunity to leave at the end of this year, with severance, was offered by the company I work for. I took it. After 9 years, three rounds of layoffs in four years, and the acquisition of another company that is already leading to big organizational changes, the “voluntary reduction option” felt right. And after 14 years in the tech/startup world overall, I’m ready for a change.
To be clear, I have historically identified as a pretty risk averse person. Stability, security, predictability…these have been some of my favorite things. And now? I’m leaning into uncertainty, more exploration, more unknowns, more possibilities. In the weeks following my decision, I have felt like I have more clarity about how I want to spend my days than I’ve had in a long time.
In an attempt to record that clarity, I’ve written the letter below to my future self. This is a record of my dreaming voice. I like imagining I’m recording it onto vinyl, placing the vinyl behind glass that says “For Emergencies,” and hanging a miniature hammer beside it for my future self to break open, place on the player, set the needle, and listen to whenever she’s experiencing moments of self doubt and fear that she may have made the wrong decision.
Dear future self,
Hey there! What’s up, dude? How are you liking the summer—er, or whatever time of year it is when you’re reading this? Crap. This is already weird.
Ok, first of all, I want to acknowledge that if you’re reading this, you must be feeling pretty lousy. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.
Second of all, you’re gonna be okay. I promise.
We don’t have to pretend that we’re glad to leave the last 9 years of work behind. Let’s pay the job, and our time there, the respect it deserves. This job has been good to us. It’s given us financial stability, connections with awesome colleagues, flexibility to move around the country, and time with Dad when he was sick. And let’s not sell ourselves short either. We are damn good at this job, and we’ve learned a ton. We can step up as a leader. We can craft and share a vision. We can be an advocate. We can be front and center. We can have influence. We have earned so much confidence.
And now it’s time to graduate.
I don’t know what’s next for us after this job, but I do find comfort in knowing that I am curious about what our life could be. If we follow that curiosity, we will learn and grow so much. That’s what we want, future self. We want to grow and learn all the ways in which our soul could express itself.
Has your dreaming voice become shy and quiet? Gone mute? Negotiating with the ego won’t help. Remember your values: justice, beauty, service, nature, love, community, joy.
Connect these values throughout your life to find the thread—English major, Criminal Justice minor, Religious Studies minor, copy desk chief for university newspaper, sexual assault hotline volunteer, Air Force legal office intern, suicide intervention educator, master climate protector, comic book proofreader, Substack writer, dragon boat paddler, zine creator, community volunteer, space holder, plant lover, bird-drawing enthusiast—and grab it, quick! Phew.
You’re not entirely alone, future self. My ego gets loud sometimes and wonders if I’m doing the right thing. But, you know what? The rest of me feels calm. So I’m leaning into that. Plus, do we really believe that this job at this company at this particular moment in time is the only path to our security, growth, and fulfillment? You just so happened to find the end-all-be-all way in which to show up in the professional world? For real? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Taking action that is in alignment with your dreams creates drive. I want to find my drive. This letter to you, future self, is an exercise in dreaming, and it’s evidence that I took action to nurture my drive. I am under no illusion that finding and strengthening my drive will be easy. But I’ve finally realized I simply can’t do it without dreaming.
Change is good, future self. And this change? This is not catastrophic change happening to us. (Although, we’ve been there too and we survived. We did.) This is change we are enacting with clarity and confidence to enable us to grow. Doesn’t that feel so powerful? To remember how we can do hard things in support of our dreams? We’ve done this before! When we ended a 6-year relationship not because our ex wasn’t a wonderful person but because we knew the relationship had stalled, when we came out as bisexual at 30 and felt like we were going through a second puberty, when we left a strong community that took 10 years to build in Colorado in order to live near our niece and sister in the midst of a global pandemic, and when we moved to Portland to start our own family with a partner whose love is motivating and expansive. See? We can do hard things and thrive.
Recently, I heard a podcast interview with Martha Beck, life coach extraordinaire, who describes integrity as the unity of intention, fascination, and purpose. And when we’re not in integrity, we lose focus and clarity, and often that split is unconscious. “Know what you really know, feel what you really feel, say what you really mean, and do what you really want.”1 This is the way of integrity and alignment.
Right now, future self, I know what I feel and what I want. So I’ll say it clearly for you:
I want to lead a creative life that affords me joy, wonder, awe, and beauty in every facet of it. I want to live in integrity with my heart, mind, body, and soul. I want to be less afraid of moving forward, less afraid of going backward, and more determined to remain aware of the now.
Makes me think of this Adyashanti2 quote we’re so fond of: “Awareness is freeing itself, over and over and over. As I have said, the key is sincerity. It’s the willingness to meet, sincerely and honestly, what is happening in our body and mind. That is always the doorway to freedom—a freedom that only happens now and now and now and now.”
So, we’re gonna get out there and explore! Like Rilke said, “Live the questions.”3 Wouldn’t it be freeing to indulge our interests and desires? Let’s go on a damn journey and not let fear of potential outcomes hold us back. We don’t have much time. All we have is now.
I hear you saying, “What if we fuck it all up?” Well, wouldn’t that be wonderful?! We would learn A TON.
Part of living in integrity is acknowledging our feelings, so I want to make sure to acknowledge what you’re feeling right now too, future self. Do me a favor. Write it all down. Maybe even write me a response letter. But then promise me you’ll go back to the top of this one and read it again.
I love you.
— Kayla the Dreamer
Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
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